I’m not exactly proud that so many pop culture moments shape
my world view, such as this tidbit from The Break-Up,
a mediocre Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn movie perhaps best known for
showcasing Aniston’s impossibly fit rear end:
Vince: You want me to do the dishes?
Jennifer: I want you to WANT to do the dishes.
Vince: [blank stare]
I feel like this captures the heart of nearly every
relationship conflict I’ve ever had. It’s not about the dishes; it’s about
feeling treasured. I want you to WANT to do the dishes to show that we’re
partners and that I’m important, precious, cherished. And I should do that for
you, too, because that’s how friends and families and communities should work.
While the Confederate flag controversy drags on and on, I’ve
realized more than anything that I want the South to WANT to do the dishes.
As I’ve perused op-eds and Facebook posts supporting the
Confederate flag, I’ve imagined being a South Carolina teacher on a field trip
to the statehouse while the Confederate flag was flying proudly. It would gall
me to arrive at a tax-funded building displaying a flag that I associate with war, racism,
oppression, slavery, and hate groups, and it breaks my heart to think of my
students, especially my African-American students, walking under
that banner. It has no place in our public spaces, and I’m grateful that it
will no longer (officially) fly in South Carolina.
Yet I don’t want to ban the Confederate flag. I don’t want
to remove it from museums or erase it from history. I won't protest stores that sell it (although I will applaud those that don't). You can believe that the
flag represents your Southern heritage and states’ rights and individuality and
personal liberties. I disagree, but I totally support your right to fly the
flag on your personal property, to wear it on your t-shirt, to tattoo it on
your bicep. I don’t think it means you are a racist; people I adore and respect
feel a connection to the Confederate flag. I don’t get it, and I really, REALLY
don’t like it, but I honor your right to do it.
But I want us to WANT to do the dishes. What if we stopped waving
the Confederate flag, not because of any law or sense of political correctness,
but because at minimum (and I’m really trying to be nice here) it’s a divisive
symbol with a troubled heritage?
What if we didn’t just do the dishes, we WANTED to do the
dishes? What if we decided to show our fellow Southerners - African-Americans who are only two generations removed from the hateful ideas and events
of segregation - that they are valued? What if we put our neighbors first, and
honored their feelings before claiming our rights?
It would be kind. It would be hospitable. It would be
gracious. It would be doing unto others, and loving your neighbor, and – dare I
say it? - Christian. And in my mind, it would be the very highest honor of our
Southern heritage.
